Sorry I haven’t written in so long, but today I have been feeling a lot and what do I do whenever I feel things? I write. I make art. It’s all I can do.
I sit here all alone, coloring in my adult coloring book. I look at my instagram, and the people that I follow. All seem to be having the greatest fun with their own friends.
I think of Rachel Bloom’s character Rebecca Bunch in Crazy Ex Girlfriend in the scene where she leaves the movie theater, where she saw a movie about a bunch of friends who got closer because one was diagnosed with cancer. She walks out and looks at all the groups of friends, and she sighs. She sings to herself “I have friends, I definitely have friends, friends friends friendly friends, I have all the friends.” and she slowly walks away.
This scene feels so real to me, but I’m not pushing people away. I live in the middle of no where, an hour away from everyone else and HOURS away from my old friends and even days from my older friends.
I had friends at my college program that I dropped out of, but they’re all too busy with their studies. I’m also too busy with my own studies and my own work, but why do I feel so empty? Why do I feel so broken hearted? Why do I feel like there’s something wrong with me?
Yes, I do know that I have to be my own best friend, but I can only laugh at myself so much. There is a point where I have to turn off the TV, and put down the phone and realize that I don’t have anyone to talk to unless if they’re on the phone–and that’s better than nothing, but do they still care about me? Do my old friends have the time? Have we grown a part? Are we still close? Why can’t I pick up the phone and dial their number?
I want to spend time with someone—face to face. A friend. I want to have human connections with more than just my parents and my coworkers. I want to meet new people, see the world, live my career.
I have been through several toxic friendships and they have taught me so much.
One friend projected all of her problems onto me and would text me 24/7 and wanted me to only be her friend and no one else’s. She drove me away from my best friend and she hurt me so much that it took me a long time to forgive her. I learned a lot from this friend and it’s been 3 years since we were friends and I am still wondering what I learned from her cruelty. But I know I learned these three things:
1) Abusive relationships/friendships include isolation and projecting their own problems onto you and then whenever you confront them, they make you confused and project even more onto you. You feel like everything is all your fault. And it’s not.
2) If you’re the new kid, always listen to your best friend when a popular and rude person suddenly likes you. Your best friend will most of the time be right, because she suffered a similar thing way back in elementary or middle school that you don’t know about.
3) If you find yourself apologizing for so many big and little things that seem pointless—stop it. Get out. You are not supposed to feel sorry for everything unless if you feel really sorry.
I have had friends who have told me that I can’t like what I like. For example they told me that Harry Potter was dumb, or that Doctor Who or Steampunk was stupid and that I “can’t like it” because it’s “lame” or “dumb” or something else. But I loved those things. Why was I not allowed to like or love things? What’s wrong with them?
I have had friends abandon me for popularity. Ignore me for no reason. High school was hell for me, even though the last two years of it were spent at a performing arts high school, I learned a lot but socially it was hell.
I thought college would be different. I wasted all this hope and energy on auditioning and applying for 21 different colleges around the United Staes and the United Kingdom. Got rejected by all of them but two. I went to the cheaper option instead of taking a gap year. Worst and best decision I ever made.
My first year of college was hell, because it was worse than high school because I was made fun of for my religion in the first few weeks, and I didn’t feel like I could trust anyone after that. I was told to come to parties and when I came, no one cared that if I was there or not. I don’t drink or smoke so people didn’t think I was the slightest bit of interesting.
Dodie’s song 6/10 really hit me hard because it expressed exactly how I felt.
“I feel like a 6/10, I’ve gotta get up early tomorrow again.
What goes on behind the words? Is there pity for the plain girl? I’ll close my mouth, I won’t say a word. A nod of pity for the plain girl.
I know that you don’t want me here.
I know that you don’t want me here.
I KNOW that you DON’T want me here.
I KNOW that you DON’T WANT me HERE.
Well I’ll just call a taxi… I’ve gotta get up early tomorrow again.
What goes on behind the words?
Is there pity for the plain girl?
I’ll close my mouth, I won’t say a word
A nod of pity for the plain girl”
That song is all about anxiety and it is so universal to me. Even today but it related to me especially back in University.
I was emotionally abused not only by my peers but by my professors. I trusted one of my professors, I told him my dreams, and he ended up betraying me, by trying to push me out of the program. Well. He won. So what? I’m out of the program. I thank him now, because I’m away from that place. I won’t have to be on probation for no reason. It’s a long story but in short, I went to appeal the probation and I was told that I wasn’t good enough to be an actor. I wasn’t good enough to be in musicals.
So much “You’re not good enough.”
I knew deep down that they were wrong and they were.
Any professor, or teacher who believes that their students ‘aren’t good enough’ are not good enough themselves. THEY ARE TEACHING FOR A REASON.
Here are two reasons why people become teachers:
- the good reason, they have achieved their dreams or a long career. They are still working to help others achieve theirs. This is the good kind, this is the one I finally found. They’re passionate and they care about you.
- They wanted a stable job. A place to experiment their work on their favorite students and their favorite students only, and everyone else can go to hell for all they care. These instructors will tell people that they’re not ever going to make it.
Now professors can change. 2 can change into 1, don’t get me wrong but those are the ones that I have experienced. It took me forever to find the good instructor and mentor. I finally found a place where I can be vulnerable and I’m not afraid to be anything other than myself.
but something’s missing.
a thing that made my life so full of fun and joy. I’M 19, WHY CAN’T I EXPERIENCE A close FRIENDSHIP?
I’ve apologized so much. I’ve endured so much and now I’m stuck.
I feel stuck. Stuck in not only the middle of no where but also stuck in my own mind. Stuck in the anxiety that keeps me from saying “Hello” to people in my acting class and telling them that I like certain things about them, and reaching out to them and wanting to become their friends and hang out, outside of class.
But I can’t.
That class ended weeks ago.
It’s almost Thanksgiving. I need to be thankful. Thankful for everything I have and maybe I’ll look at this in a new perspective. When I do, it will possibly change.
But for now, I’m going to keep fighting that anxiety. I’m going to make goals to reach out to strangers and talk to them. I’m going to force myself out of my comfort zone. I am going to tell myself every day that I am brave enough to talk to people. Then eventually I will be able to. Eventually I will defeat my social anxiety.
and when I do. Hopefully I will have a friend who will love me for who I am and not for what they want me to be. A friend who won’t tell me to hate the things that I love. A friend who doesn’t think that I’m annoying but a joy to be around. And hopefully I will find that friend too. One day. I will do my best to be the best friend that I can be. The most caring and empathetic friend that I am, but I expect them to be that friend in return.
I guess that’s too much to ask of this world.
But maybe it isn’t.
We will see.
Sorry about the rant I’ve just felt empty inside and the only way to express myself is through writing.
Love you all, let me know what you think about this. What advice you may have and what you think about people who are emotionally abusive? I want to hear your experiences.
Thanks. I promise I’m okay, I’ll upload a new video onto youtube on Tuesday! So stay tuned for that and for vlogmas!